There’s nothing quite like a classic John Oliver rant—and on Sunday night, the Last Week Tonight host delivered. In a scathing opening monologue, Oliver addressed the would-be political power couple that is Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner . Donald Trump allegedly ordered top-secret security clearance for hiss son-in-law, though Ivanka has said that her father had nothing to do with her husband’s security clearance. Oliver couldn’t resist mercilessly lampooning that claim, but only after he’d laid into her father and husband first.
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Trump’s alleged order to grant top-secret security clearance to Kushner—who Oliver joked “will be referred to as ‘Diminutive Nothing Boy 1’ in the Mueller report”—reportedly raised concerns for both former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly and former White House Counsel Don McGahn. In fact, the two reportedly wrote internal memos about their concerns at the time. But Oliver couldn’t imagine why either of the men would have bothered.
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“The fuck is Trump supposed to do with a memo raising concerns?!” the comedian scoffed. “Read it? A memo ? With what? His eyes ? For what possible reason? So he can know stuff ? To what end? So he can do stuff? Why!? So he can get more memos about the stuff he’s doing? Nice try, memos!”
Oliver also detailed a number of concerns regarding Trump’s baby-faced-senior-adviser-slash-son-in-law, including the fact that several foreign entities have apparently seen him as a target for manipulation. But the most worrying thing about Kushner, according to Oliver, is not his political prowess or lack thereof, but his perfectly taut, glowing skin.
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“How the fuck does he look so well-rested?” Oliver said. “This is a guy who’s not just brokering peace in the Middle East; he’s tackling the opioid crisis, and national infrastructure as the head of the office of American innovation, while constantly traveling halfway around the world, and doing it all while navigating the psychosexual Stalingrad that is marriage to Donald Trump’s daughter. Where are the bags under his eyes? How is his skin so smooth? It is deeply worrisome how un-worried he looks!”
Yet both Kushner and Ivanka have denied on the record that Kushner ever received special treatment. In an interview with ABC, Ivanka vehemently denied it once more—and that’s what prompted Oliver to drop the harshest reality check of all.
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“Oh, please,” Oliver said. “I honestly don’t know what’s sadder there. Either Ivanka is knowingly lying about her Dad forcing her and Jared’s security clearance through, or she genuinely thinks they got it on merit on their own. And if it is the latter, Ivanka, there are some things that you really should know.”
“You only became an executive vice president of the Trump Organization at 24 because you’re Donald Trump’s daughter—not because you were a 24-year-old business prodigy,” Oliver said. “You only got a book deal because you’re Donald Trump’s daughter—not because you’re a brilliant author and wordsmith. And you only hosted the Miss Teen USA pageant because your dad owned the contest—not because of your sparkling on-camera presence. Oh, and you know how Santa Claus used to visit every Christmas morning to give you presents? Well, that wasn’t the real Santa. It was Michael Cohen—and trust me, he won’t be coming down your chimney anymore.”
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